Patricia Hewitt to Cut Up Credit Card

UK Health Secretary Patricia Hewitt today promised to cut up the NHS credit card after it was revealed to be £1 trillion in debt. "I just got carried away", she told reporters. "First it was new hospitals, then I received some glossy catalogues full of surgical equipment and really cute bedding, then somebody said we needed lots of marketing managers in sharp suits, who could encourage dole scum to eat more fruit. This stuff wasn't covered by any budgets, so I just put it on the plastic".

Dr Chowdhury, who has the distinction of being Britain's last doctor, was unimpressed. "I'm really very tired indeed. Last night I had 43,756 home visits, and today I have to sign 123,987 repeat prescriptions. It got a lot worse when the last nurses left the service. I really could do with a hand".

But Health Secretary Hewitt stands by her decision to hire thousands of people to do jobs nobody has heard of. "If Britain is to modernise, it needs a modern health service. All this talk of 'doctors and nurses' making people better is just old-fashioned. This is the 21st century, for God's sake - you shouldn't expect to understand what people do for a living".

"I'm going to cut up the NHS credit card as soon as I get home. I've already set up a direct debit to pay off the interest. That prat Cameron will inherit all this mess anyway, so I think I'm doing a jolly honourable thing tackling it at all"

A spokesman for the Conservative Party said that the Conservatives would double Labour spending on the NHS, but criticised Ms Hewitt's choice of bedding. "Floral bedding is so last century. A Conservative government will replace all NHS bedding with cutting edge design, reflecting a multicultural, gay, 22nd century country. That's right, 22nd century. We'll see you, Tony Blair, and raise you a trillion. Vote for us, we've stopped being nasty"

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