"I Betrayed Jesus" says Khalid Sheikh Mohammed

It wasn’t Judas who betrayed Jesus with a kiss, we can exclusively reveal, but Khalid Sheikh Mohammed.

“That was me. I did it. He looked at me funny and I said to myself “right, Jesus, you’re for it now”. When he was on the cross I just laughed. He looked so funny, and those Romans gave him vinegar to drink and that was when I had the idea to crash a big plane into a tower block. Then I ran straight to the grassy knoll in Dallas and shot Kennedy. It was me all right. Definitely. That bastard Kennedy, he shouldn’t have messed with Sheikh Mohammed, oh no. I just went mad, how you say, apeshit, and I pulled the trigger. Bang bang. Gone. Then I ran into a shop and stole some kitkats and a mars bar. Just like that, no conscience at all. Mars bars, fruit pastilles, I take them all. All gone. In my tummy.

Few doubt that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is a senior figure in Al Qaeda, with considerable blood on his hands. His willingness to confess to the outbreak of World War One, however (“that Archduke Frans Ferdinand was a shit-stabber, I tell you. A fudge packer. So I shot him. Bang bang”) has led some commentators to speculate as to the reliability of his testimony.

“Why didn’t I confess all this when I was arrested in 2003? Because I was busy, making carbon dioxide in secret. That was me that was, doing all that global warming thing. Oh yes, and I killed the last dodo. Shot him dead, because he looked stupid. You’re not going to put that thing on my cock again are you? The Battle of Hastings, that was me. Shot King Harold in the eye. Please don’t put that thing on my cock again.

Torture Lite